My momma is gone. She's just gone! If you've been there, you know how I feel, but if you haven't, this is truly weird. It's like somebody took their finger and smudged my perception of reality. I knew she was dying, but the difference between having a momma who is dying and a momma who is dead is huge.
My momma suffered from mental illness (paranoid schizophrenia), alcoholism and a tobacco addiction. In the end, the last two were her downfall. Still, with all these vices and all those struggles, she managed to be an excellent mother. Yes, on numerous occasions she worked my last nerve, but nobody ever came close to making me feel as loved and accepted as that woman did.
She raised me, got me hooked on fried chicken, dressed me in pretty clothes, talked to me for hours and hours (in person and over the phone), she took care of me when I was sick, she told me all of her crazy dreams and fantasies, she taught me how to paint my nails, she dragged me kicking and screaming to church, she kept me in check when I thought I was all that, she ignored me when I was being a brat, she spoiled me rotten. I was her baby girl and I, guess, I am going to have to figure out how I can still be her baby girl even though she is not here anymore.
I am okay, but deep down in the very center of me, I am lost without my momma. I guess I always will be.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Confessions of a Bored Housewife
I woke up on my soapbox today and in attempting to calm myself down, I realized that I am still angry at Heidi. Everything that she's done has caused this tiny burning inside of me and every time I turn a corner, someone douses the flame with a little gasoline.
I understand the nature of opinions (as they relate to certain sun-don't-shine areas of the human anatomy) and the irrefutability of free thinking, but it continues to bother me that some people liken us to bored housewives, fat girls with chips on our shoulders, skinny girls who don't want anybody else to lose weight, obsessed maniacs and the like.
It further bothers me that some people feel that they so adamantly must warn us of the potential for failure, or of the logisitics of the California civil justice system. It's like the mother who warns her child, "Well, don't reach for your dreams, honey, because, you know, they probably won't come true."
Half of the fun in the process of dreaming is actually having the dream. I can tell you that 90% of the satisfaction in speaking out against crimes against fat (and formerly) fat girls on the Internet is the actual speaking out (not to mention the quiet and not-so-quiet Rockstars you meet along the way).
Yes, I was wronged. You are free to think of that wrong what you will. I, however, as a party to that wrong, am free to act on that wrong in the ways that my government has deemed appropriate.
It might not bother you very much that a few thousand of us were ripped off because people get ripped off all the time, because you think we were stupid to sign up in the first place, because you admire the intracicies of what amounts to modern thievery, because there are bigger and more noble causes to care about, because people shouldn't get fat in the first place, because you don't like it when people stand up for themselves, because you want to lose weight by any means necessary, or because you just don't care.
I, however, am allowed to be just as bothered by Heidi's scams as you aren't. And I choose to be. No matter the outcome. At the end of the day, I will rest easy knowing that I stood up for myself, for what I believed was right and did everything that I could to rectify a wrong.
So, call me what you will and I'll be that.
There's nothing anybody can say to convince me that loving myself enough to speak out when I'm wronged and loving others enough to speak out when they are wronged is a petty thing to do. Because if people didn't do this, I wouldn't be here typing this message to you and you probably wouldn't be free to surf to the ends of the Internet and read this.
Sincerely,
aka An Angry Duck
aka A Fat Girl with an Attitude
aka A Stupid Chick
aka An Obsessed Maniac
I understand the nature of opinions (as they relate to certain sun-don't-shine areas of the human anatomy) and the irrefutability of free thinking, but it continues to bother me that some people liken us to bored housewives, fat girls with chips on our shoulders, skinny girls who don't want anybody else to lose weight, obsessed maniacs and the like.
It further bothers me that some people feel that they so adamantly must warn us of the potential for failure, or of the logisitics of the California civil justice system. It's like the mother who warns her child, "Well, don't reach for your dreams, honey, because, you know, they probably won't come true."
Half of the fun in the process of dreaming is actually having the dream. I can tell you that 90% of the satisfaction in speaking out against crimes against fat (and formerly) fat girls on the Internet is the actual speaking out (not to mention the quiet and not-so-quiet Rockstars you meet along the way).
Yes, I was wronged. You are free to think of that wrong what you will. I, however, as a party to that wrong, am free to act on that wrong in the ways that my government has deemed appropriate.
It might not bother you very much that a few thousand of us were ripped off because people get ripped off all the time, because you think we were stupid to sign up in the first place, because you admire the intracicies of what amounts to modern thievery, because there are bigger and more noble causes to care about, because people shouldn't get fat in the first place, because you don't like it when people stand up for themselves, because you want to lose weight by any means necessary, or because you just don't care.
I, however, am allowed to be just as bothered by Heidi's scams as you aren't. And I choose to be. No matter the outcome. At the end of the day, I will rest easy knowing that I stood up for myself, for what I believed was right and did everything that I could to rectify a wrong.
So, call me what you will and I'll be that.
There's nothing anybody can say to convince me that loving myself enough to speak out when I'm wronged and loving others enough to speak out when they are wronged is a petty thing to do. Because if people didn't do this, I wouldn't be here typing this message to you and you probably wouldn't be free to surf to the ends of the Internet and read this.
Sincerely,
Jeanessa
aka A Bored Housewifeaka An Angry Duck
aka A Fat Girl with an Attitude
aka A Stupid Chick
aka An Obsessed Maniac
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Confessions of a Diet Hopper
Induction just about killed me. When I woke up at 2am and had to go to the ER with my mom because of her pain - we have fibromyalgia to go along with the cancer - I was so weak and nauseous that when my brother offered me half of a *gasp* white bread sandwich, I caved. It was a slippery slope that led to a baked potato, too. And now I'm carbed up again. I really don't think I can put myself through the sickness of induction again. I read every word and tried every trick, but it was a rough ride.
Mind you, not nearly as rough as my 2.5 days on KK, but I digress...
I can't do induction. At least not now.
This, after I put all of my favorite foods in FitDay and was determined to make it (hopefully) some time in the future to a CCL of 55....
I appreciate every drop of support and encouragement and advice that you've given me and I welcome more. I'm still committed to a healthier me. I just have to figure something else out, something easy because there are too many other difficult things in my life right now.
So, "hopping" on...
Mind you, not nearly as rough as my 2.5 days on KK, but I digress...
I can't do induction. At least not now.
This, after I put all of my favorite foods in FitDay and was determined to make it (hopefully) some time in the future to a CCL of 55....
I appreciate every drop of support and encouragement and advice that you've given me and I welcome more. I'm still committed to a healthier me. I just have to figure something else out, something easy because there are too many other difficult things in my life right now.
So, "hopping" on...
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I feel awful...
Energy - nil
Nausea - x10
Thinking - Fuzzy
Headache - Massive
Stomach - painful
I probably won't post more today :(
Nausea - x10
Thinking - Fuzzy
Headache - Massive
Stomach - painful
I probably won't post more today :(
Monday, April 21, 2008
On to Day 3...
I am doing very well! I'm sorry I didn't post last night, but I was busy! I took lots of pictures of my food, but haven't loaded them onto the PC, yet. I will do that tonight.
I made it through Day 2 without any big incidents. So far, the biggest challenge has been fighting the occasional sweet craving. I am hoping to circumvent that by eating some of the Fruitless Fruit Leather, which I made last night.
I also made Cream Cheese Muffins, Just Like Stuffed Baked Potatoes and paremsan-crusted fried catfish.
Day 2 Meals:
Breakfast - cream cheese muffin
Snack - a small taco salad (1/2c seasoned ground beef, 1/2 oz of shredded cheddar, 0.25oz tomato, 1 cup of lettuce)
Lunch - 6oz. parmesan-crusted catfish, 1c of green beans in olive oil and garlic
Dinner - 1 and 1/2 Italian sausage links with 1.5 oz of green peppers and 1/2 of a protein-packed oopsie.
24total carbs - 6 fiber = 19 Net Carbs
My fit day is here: http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=jeanessadoesatkins
On to Day 3!
I made it through Day 2 without any big incidents. So far, the biggest challenge has been fighting the occasional sweet craving. I am hoping to circumvent that by eating some of the Fruitless Fruit Leather, which I made last night.
I also made Cream Cheese Muffins, Just Like Stuffed Baked Potatoes and paremsan-crusted fried catfish.
Day 2 Meals:
Breakfast - cream cheese muffin
Snack - a small taco salad (1/2c seasoned ground beef, 1/2 oz of shredded cheddar, 0.25oz tomato, 1 cup of lettuce)
Lunch - 6oz. parmesan-crusted catfish, 1c of green beans in olive oil and garlic
Dinner - 1 and 1/2 Italian sausage links with 1.5 oz of green peppers and 1/2 of a protein-packed oopsie.
24total carbs - 6 fiber = 19 Net Carbs
My fit day is here: http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=jeanessadoesatkins
On to Day 3!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Day 1 Down
...and I'm feeling pretty good.
This was my lunch:
Fried chicken wing pieces and 1 cup of green beans with half a tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil and half a minced garlic glove. I had Frank's Red Hot hot sauce and 2 tablespoons of ranch on the side. Green beans never tasted so good now that I didn't have some sweet treat taking center stage. I do believe that my love of green beans has just begun. All this lovely food for a beautiful 9 carbs. I sweetened my iced tea (decaf) with two packets of stevia and I counted them at one point each (although I'm not sure about that).
For dinner I had:
I made two tacos with 2/3 cups of ground beef seasoned with Linda Sue's taco seasoning and I made the cheddar cheese shells, 2/3 cup of lettuce and a sprinkle of shredded cheddar and a 1/4c of tomato. Can I just say yummo. Good night. I could eat this all the time, everyday and not get tired of it.
I didn't get hungry today. I thought my appetite would be much bigger, but maybe my appetite is very large when I'm eating lots of sugar and white flour? Hmm, time will tell.
Well, I got through a day and, let me tell you, I am proud of myself.
Here is a link to my fitday: http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=jeanessadoesatkins
Induction Day 1
Well, here I am on induction and waiting for the icky feeling. I know it's coming, it never fails me ;) .I am optimistic at the moment, though. We will see if that lasts to the magically, horrendous Day 3! I think so, though. God knows, I hope that I can make it through.
One thing I know for sure, the icky feeling of induction can't possibly be any worse than the icky feeling I get when I have too much sugar and too many carbs. And at least I know (or at least have been reassured) that the induction flu can and will end.
So, I made oopsies and had an oopsie sandwich for my first induction meal. What a way to start! The oopsie suprised me by being very good. Still, I added eggs to my sandwich which, I perhaps, should not have done. I am not a big egg eater. I crave eggs 2, maybe 3 times per year (and usually slathered in butter and syrup!), although I don't mind them whipped up or cooked in anything. But adding scrambled eggs to my oopsie was kind of like eating two slices of french toast with scrambled eggs sandwiched in between. You kind of have to be an egg lover to manage that. So, I probably won't do that again. But I will use the oopsie for my burger and in place of french toast, for sure.
I took a half of a multivitamin, some Chromium Picolinate, L-Carnitine, L-Glutamine and Potassium with my sandwich. Vitamins normally make me a little wretchy, so I am suprised to say that so far, so good. I hope they help with the induction flu symptoms. If all else fails, there is always my lovely Tylenol PM to get me through!
I'll post more after I take my neice shopping and traverse the wonderful obstacle course of my first induction lunch, snacks and dinner. Joy!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
289
oh yes, I forgot to mention that this is my weight now. In November, I was 246, now I am 289. This is the icing on my pre-diabetic cake.
Pre-Diabetes and Me...
are apparently two words that go together.
I went for my semi-annual checkup and he said my blood sugar was abnormal and then proceeded to barrage me with a series of questions?
Have I been eating a lot of sugar? Hells yeah
Am I frequently thirsty? No
Do I have a frequent need to urinate? I don't think so
Do I have tingling and numbness in my limbs? Maybe
Do I get shaky between meals? Yes
How frequently do I eat? Whenever I feel like it
Do I get daily exercise? Nope, not really
This is Jeanessa in limbo...
just when things are looking up (kind of), I hit this wall.
So, whatever, life sucks and then you die? Apparently an early death via stroke or heart attack with limb amputation and blindness in my case.
Forgive my rambling, I am quite upset by this. I'll post another day when I am feeling better about life in general.
I went for my semi-annual checkup and he said my blood sugar was abnormal and then proceeded to barrage me with a series of questions?
Have I been eating a lot of sugar? Hells yeah
Am I frequently thirsty? No
Do I have a frequent need to urinate? I don't think so
Do I have tingling and numbness in my limbs? Maybe
Do I get shaky between meals? Yes
How frequently do I eat? Whenever I feel like it
Do I get daily exercise? Nope, not really
This is Jeanessa in limbo...
just when things are looking up (kind of), I hit this wall.
So, whatever, life sucks and then you die? Apparently an early death via stroke or heart attack with limb amputation and blindness in my case.
Forgive my rambling, I am quite upset by this. I'll post another day when I am feeling better about life in general.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Take courage...
I did not intend for this to be a Kimkins blog at all...and that is still not my intention. I want this blog to be about my life in general. I'm coming to the realization that Kimkins is part of my life right now. I made a decision back in early September to put my name on the top of a class action lawsuit. At the time, I didn't know fully what that entailed. I am swiftly learning. I composed this impassioned email to several attorneys and spoke at length with them to try to determine what the best course of action would be because Heidi Diaz was just wrong, and all my life, people have been telling me that the justice system works, that we fight against wrongs. So, this is how I approached the whole Kimkins fiasco.
This last week in Ducky land has been an interesting one. Lots of fights and super-secret revelations of CIA-esque proportions. And I've been thinking about what it all means.
It means that what we're doing matters. It means that we are making progress.
I spoke with John today and he always makes me feel like things are 100% better. I am SO glad he wrote me back bck then and listened to my long, convoluted unbelieveable story about the Kimmer and this crazy starvation diet on the Internet. I can't believe this brilliant, tenacious man cared enough about a bunch of fat (and formerly fat) girls on the Internet who had been conned. But he did. And it's awesome!
With all the bad things that have been said lately, I wanted to take some time out to say some good things. So, here goes!
I'm calling out names (forgive me if I don't mention you, I don't know everything)....a partial cast list....
Tooter - I love you because you never change. You are always tenacious, you are always up front and you never give up! You're always enouraging, you always question things and I love to see your now very familiar, pretty face on my computer screen as I scroll the FWK thread.
Cleo - damn, I have never seen anyone with your sense of humor and biting cynicism. I love it! All that pizzaz plus riced cauliflower pizza, oopsies and bento! You think outside the box and you say it like it is. We're lucky that you choose to spend any time with us.
Honeybee - Girl, you are the Queen of all Sleuthing. You have set the standard for tenacity and Duckydom and I don't know where we would be without you. Where have you been lately? Bring yourself right back here to us and encourage us to keep sleuthing!
Tom - thank you for allowing us the space to vent and explore. Please never let the drama deter you from allowing us to continue. We can't thank you enough.
Cutie - Well. You are the culprit behind this whole thing, you know? LOL! I thank you for every encouraging email, for being there in the early days when it was not safe to be anti-Kimkins and for laying down some solid groundwork for us all to tread on. It's amazing how far we've all come!
MrsMenopausal - You really make it worthwhile coming into the thread. You encourage, you fight, you admonish. That's what this is all about really. You were banned and you stood up and nothing has knocked you down. I'm so glad we're in this fight together.
v0xhumana - you're as consistent as can be, always asking the right questions and ready to dig for old info when you see where its needed. Plus I like your avatar!
Barbara B - you always spare a kind word for me and I don't think you know how much I appreciate it. I know that this fight has been a hard one, but take courage! Our work is not in vain and I love that you are here with me on this journey.
Katinsac - My Cali girl! You listened to my "little girl" voice on the phone and you encourage me all the time. You say what you mean, you mean what you say and you let the rest slide off your back. I wanna be more like you!
Yucky/Mimi/Loopy(this is what I always called you in my head, lol!) - you laugh when nobody else does! You keep me on my toes. You ask the questions that others are afraid to ask. You call me out on my bs. You make me laugh. You are steady and consistent, a rock! Imperfect, but beautiful, and worth every second I spend on your site. So, keep trucking.
MagicsMom - you blog, you hunt, you encourage, you never disappear, you always respond, you keep fighting! WOW, I wanna be like you, too, BANTA Babe!
Rebel - your house is lovely and we can all imagine sitting on the porch and sipping sweet tea. You always have a ready response, a ready question, you dig and fight, frolick and have fun, you're the kind of girl that makes posting on a thread fun.
WildAngel6 - what can I say? You're organizational and corraling skills are beyond compare. Thank you so much for doing all of this, for challenging us. We'd be far behind where we are if it wasn't for you. I use your links every single day.
MorganMacleoid - thanks for emailing me, helping me along, giving me information to share with John, asking the right questions to make me think, posting on Kimkins Dangers and hanging out on the thread back in the beginning. I've missed your posts and I'm glad you're still checking back with us and hope to see more of you.
jo2621 - thanks for always going into the Lion's Den and sharing your knowledge!
dlslds - You're like a machine! A very nice, very kind, very sleuthy machine that loves smilies.
Mayberryfan - Can I miss the Daughtry avatar, but I'm ok! You encourage me and support me and say nice things about me and, for that, I will always be eternally grateful. Plus, you sleuth and you poke and you have fun while doing it.
MomtoEli - you're such a sweetheart, all the nice words, forgiving me for being snippy with you and coming into the game with guns blazing!
LosingtoLive - when it's time to laugh, you have a good joke, when its time to fight, you have a snappy comeback, when its time to encourage, you have a kind word. You're a trooper.
Medusa - your blog rocks! I love it, all of the very so essential information about eating disorders and how very similar the Kimkins mindset is to them. Plus, you're bold as brass and that is a trait that I admire.
Deni - you are so quietly forceful and I know you're praying and that makes me feel at ease.
the Jimmy - I don't care what anybody says, I like you! Thanks for apologizing, thanks for standing up, thanks for providing a place for ex-KK to support each other and never, ever change!
Trista - thanks for putting your name out there to be gawked at when not many others were willing to. Thanks for standing up with me!
HBGal - wheverever you are! Thank you SO much for doing the KTLA show, for putting yourself out there to be gawked at and maligned and being so graceful, forthight and honest about your Kimkins experience. I hope to hear from you soon.
Missis36 - I miss you! You dig like a jackhammer and make me laugh. You were my favorite person on any thread anywhere and you know why! I hope to see you again soon!
Christin - THANK YOU! For the prayers, for the sharing of knowledge, for doing all those dang TV shows and talking with reporters, for fighting against Heidi's continued scamming, for being graceful under all kinds of pressure, for standing up and sticking out. If nobody else ever tells you this, you are the BOMB!
Carolyn F - you laugh at the good jokes and sleuth and support like nobody's business.
WifeZilla - for encouraging and sleuthing
BamaGal - what would we do without you? You are a backbone and a funny bone, too!
Paula Jayne - for starting the thread that never ends with a very good question!
Pooticus - for always laughing!
w00t - for being a cute guy! and for leaving Kimkins and standing up for yourself! You've been a breath of fresh air on the boards.
JustKim - for leaving KK and taking a little bit of her credibility with you. For standing up against Heidi. You may think you lost a friend, but, hon, you never had one in the first place!
TerryC - for always offering a helping hand and being willing to do whatever it takes to get things done!
Sheridan - for poking and prodding, giving me ideas and fighting the good fight!
Locarb4me - whew, you work your butt off! I can never keep up with you, but I feel good that I'm at least treading somewhere behind you!
Just Ducky - for coralling us. Man, oh, man, you rocked the anti-Kimkins movement. I don't know where you are or what you're doing, but thanks for what you did. Hope to see you posting again soon.
Miss Mezmerize - for the martinis and the meat, the youtube vids and everything in between.
2big4mysize - um....where could I begin? You rock. I can't even start to thank you for everything that you've done. I know there's more to do and you'll be instrumental in getting it done!
KimPossible - where are you? You supported me, PM'ed me, laughed at me and it was nice.
Becky - girl, you pray for me, you dig, you endure, you stand up. I can't thank you enough. I don't know if we would be this far if you hadn't stepped in and helped out. I think I know you in ways that some other people may not. I want you to know that I respect and admire you.
ixtapacheryl - I love your pics, your encouraging words, your support, your sleuthing and your consistency.
Prudentia (I almost forgot!) - for standing up for what you believe, blogging about it and being sane in stressful situations. I admire your tenacity and your ability to reason out emotional situations.
My fingers are tired....but there's SO many more....
MJR, LuckyKitty, LChottie07, Sheridan, gibster, beachfires, Queeny, LISAinTN, Lilgrnize, sissypoo, SMP, Amyb, cadydid, eggonmyface, Kelly130, Madam De Leon, lbbmp, TXniteowl, froleena, serenity-aus, prettypaula, kycowgirl, losingjusme, Sunabee, lindaokc, Woman Typing Badly, mum22, DoggyGirl, kar_kar, LINC, Binsk, RockyMntAngelEyes, Stevie, mimi, LCprincess, vernswifevickie, Boujie, emily1965, shelby7851, DivaHerself, Carolina Rose, Leashy, DivaTai, LovelyLady, MyCanneloni, Buff-N0-Tuff, DeliGirl,
I could be here all day.
I wanted to post this in case anyone is getting disheartened. We're not just one or two or a dozen people who have no life. We're a whole lot of people who have wonderful lives and who feel the need to stop an injustice that one woman found so easy to commit from behind the safety of a computer.
Take heart! There is more to come!!!
And it ain't over until the fat lady sings...and I haven't sang a tune yet, so sit tight!
This last week in Ducky land has been an interesting one. Lots of fights and super-secret revelations of CIA-esque proportions. And I've been thinking about what it all means.
It means that what we're doing matters. It means that we are making progress.
I spoke with John today and he always makes me feel like things are 100% better. I am SO glad he wrote me back bck then and listened to my long, convoluted unbelieveable story about the Kimmer and this crazy starvation diet on the Internet. I can't believe this brilliant, tenacious man cared enough about a bunch of fat (and formerly fat) girls on the Internet who had been conned. But he did. And it's awesome!
With all the bad things that have been said lately, I wanted to take some time out to say some good things. So, here goes!
I'm calling out names (forgive me if I don't mention you, I don't know everything)....a partial cast list....
Tooter - I love you because you never change. You are always tenacious, you are always up front and you never give up! You're always enouraging, you always question things and I love to see your now very familiar, pretty face on my computer screen as I scroll the FWK thread.
Cleo - damn, I have never seen anyone with your sense of humor and biting cynicism. I love it! All that pizzaz plus riced cauliflower pizza, oopsies and bento! You think outside the box and you say it like it is. We're lucky that you choose to spend any time with us.
Honeybee - Girl, you are the Queen of all Sleuthing. You have set the standard for tenacity and Duckydom and I don't know where we would be without you. Where have you been lately? Bring yourself right back here to us and encourage us to keep sleuthing!
Tom - thank you for allowing us the space to vent and explore. Please never let the drama deter you from allowing us to continue. We can't thank you enough.
Cutie - Well. You are the culprit behind this whole thing, you know? LOL! I thank you for every encouraging email, for being there in the early days when it was not safe to be anti-Kimkins and for laying down some solid groundwork for us all to tread on. It's amazing how far we've all come!
MrsMenopausal - You really make it worthwhile coming into the thread. You encourage, you fight, you admonish. That's what this is all about really. You were banned and you stood up and nothing has knocked you down. I'm so glad we're in this fight together.
v0xhumana - you're as consistent as can be, always asking the right questions and ready to dig for old info when you see where its needed. Plus I like your avatar!
Barbara B - you always spare a kind word for me and I don't think you know how much I appreciate it. I know that this fight has been a hard one, but take courage! Our work is not in vain and I love that you are here with me on this journey.
Katinsac - My Cali girl! You listened to my "little girl" voice on the phone and you encourage me all the time. You say what you mean, you mean what you say and you let the rest slide off your back. I wanna be more like you!
Yucky/Mimi/Loopy(this is what I always called you in my head, lol!) - you laugh when nobody else does! You keep me on my toes. You ask the questions that others are afraid to ask. You call me out on my bs. You make me laugh. You are steady and consistent, a rock! Imperfect, but beautiful, and worth every second I spend on your site. So, keep trucking.
MagicsMom - you blog, you hunt, you encourage, you never disappear, you always respond, you keep fighting! WOW, I wanna be like you, too, BANTA Babe!
Rebel - your house is lovely and we can all imagine sitting on the porch and sipping sweet tea. You always have a ready response, a ready question, you dig and fight, frolick and have fun, you're the kind of girl that makes posting on a thread fun.
WildAngel6 - what can I say? You're organizational and corraling skills are beyond compare. Thank you so much for doing all of this, for challenging us. We'd be far behind where we are if it wasn't for you. I use your links every single day.
MorganMacleoid - thanks for emailing me, helping me along, giving me information to share with John, asking the right questions to make me think, posting on Kimkins Dangers and hanging out on the thread back in the beginning. I've missed your posts and I'm glad you're still checking back with us and hope to see more of you.
jo2621 - thanks for always going into the Lion's Den and sharing your knowledge!
dlslds - You're like a machine! A very nice, very kind, very sleuthy machine that loves smilies.
Mayberryfan - Can I miss the Daughtry avatar, but I'm ok! You encourage me and support me and say nice things about me and, for that, I will always be eternally grateful. Plus, you sleuth and you poke and you have fun while doing it.
MomtoEli - you're such a sweetheart, all the nice words, forgiving me for being snippy with you and coming into the game with guns blazing!
LosingtoLive - when it's time to laugh, you have a good joke, when its time to fight, you have a snappy comeback, when its time to encourage, you have a kind word. You're a trooper.
Medusa - your blog rocks! I love it, all of the very so essential information about eating disorders and how very similar the Kimkins mindset is to them. Plus, you're bold as brass and that is a trait that I admire.
Deni - you are so quietly forceful and I know you're praying and that makes me feel at ease.
the Jimmy - I don't care what anybody says, I like you! Thanks for apologizing, thanks for standing up, thanks for providing a place for ex-KK to support each other and never, ever change!
Trista - thanks for putting your name out there to be gawked at when not many others were willing to. Thanks for standing up with me!
HBGal - wheverever you are! Thank you SO much for doing the KTLA show, for putting yourself out there to be gawked at and maligned and being so graceful, forthight and honest about your Kimkins experience. I hope to hear from you soon.
Missis36 - I miss you! You dig like a jackhammer and make me laugh. You were my favorite person on any thread anywhere and you know why! I hope to see you again soon!
Christin - THANK YOU! For the prayers, for the sharing of knowledge, for doing all those dang TV shows and talking with reporters, for fighting against Heidi's continued scamming, for being graceful under all kinds of pressure, for standing up and sticking out. If nobody else ever tells you this, you are the BOMB!
Carolyn F - you laugh at the good jokes and sleuth and support like nobody's business.
WifeZilla - for encouraging and sleuthing
BamaGal - what would we do without you? You are a backbone and a funny bone, too!
Paula Jayne - for starting the thread that never ends with a very good question!
Pooticus - for always laughing!
w00t - for being a cute guy! and for leaving Kimkins and standing up for yourself! You've been a breath of fresh air on the boards.
JustKim - for leaving KK and taking a little bit of her credibility with you. For standing up against Heidi. You may think you lost a friend, but, hon, you never had one in the first place!
TerryC - for always offering a helping hand and being willing to do whatever it takes to get things done!
Sheridan - for poking and prodding, giving me ideas and fighting the good fight!
Locarb4me - whew, you work your butt off! I can never keep up with you, but I feel good that I'm at least treading somewhere behind you!
Just Ducky - for coralling us. Man, oh, man, you rocked the anti-Kimkins movement. I don't know where you are or what you're doing, but thanks for what you did. Hope to see you posting again soon.
Miss Mezmerize - for the martinis and the meat, the youtube vids and everything in between.
2big4mysize - um....where could I begin? You rock. I can't even start to thank you for everything that you've done. I know there's more to do and you'll be instrumental in getting it done!
KimPossible - where are you? You supported me, PM'ed me, laughed at me and it was nice.
Becky - girl, you pray for me, you dig, you endure, you stand up. I can't thank you enough. I don't know if we would be this far if you hadn't stepped in and helped out. I think I know you in ways that some other people may not. I want you to know that I respect and admire you.
ixtapacheryl - I love your pics, your encouraging words, your support, your sleuthing and your consistency.
Prudentia (I almost forgot!) - for standing up for what you believe, blogging about it and being sane in stressful situations. I admire your tenacity and your ability to reason out emotional situations.
My fingers are tired....but there's SO many more....
MJR, LuckyKitty, LChottie07, Sheridan, gibster, beachfires, Queeny, LISAinTN, Lilgrnize, sissypoo, SMP, Amyb, cadydid, eggonmyface, Kelly130, Madam De Leon, lbbmp, TXniteowl, froleena, serenity-aus, prettypaula, kycowgirl, losingjusme, Sunabee, lindaokc, Woman Typing Badly, mum22, DoggyGirl, kar_kar, LINC, Binsk, RockyMntAngelEyes, Stevie, mimi, LCprincess, vernswifevickie, Boujie, emily1965, shelby7851, DivaHerself, Carolina Rose, Leashy, DivaTai, LovelyLady, MyCanneloni, Buff-N0-Tuff, DeliGirl,
I could be here all day.
I wanted to post this in case anyone is getting disheartened. We're not just one or two or a dozen people who have no life. We're a whole lot of people who have wonderful lives and who feel the need to stop an injustice that one woman found so easy to commit from behind the safety of a computer.
Take heart! There is more to come!!!
And it ain't over until the fat lady sings...and I haven't sang a tune yet, so sit tight!
Monday, March 10, 2008
Rough Weekend...
I didn't get to wear my cute outfit.
And that's not the worst of it. My moma can't walk anymore. All around, it was beyond rough. My moma is skin and bones right now. She's 5'10", around 120 pounds right now. All my life, she's been around 160-170 pounds and even then, she was slim. At her height and with her bone structure, her lifelong weight was just right. This new weight loss strikes home just how sick she really is. She is really weak and her legs just can't hold her up very well anymore.
So now, I am visiting the Scooter store to see what will work for her. I don't know how much time she has left anymore, but she is only 54. I was hoping to have her at least until she was 70, but hope is never a guarantee, hmm? And she's smoked for 41 years, so the lung cancer diagnosis was not necessarily a shock to all of us. I remember sitting down in front of her when I was 10 and telling her all about how cigarette smoking is bad and how she could die from it. She reassured me then that she knew all about it. Knowing is not the same as knowing, though.
And my brothers and sister and aunts and Darnell were all seemingly useless this weekend. I don't know if it's my PMS or their actual actions, but I was majorly disappointed in their efforts at supporting both my mom and myself over the weekend. I won't go into detail, but I will say, you can never predict or control the actions of other people. Which I think might be one of the reasons why I love food so much. I mean, it stays the same. Coffee is always coffee and a Krispy Kreme donut is always a Krispy Kreme donut, you know? My brother, my mom, my family and Darnell...they are constantly changing (and not always the way I want them to).
I have a tendency to want to diet whenever I hear anything bad about my mom's cancer or see her struggling. I did join Kimkins in the midst of my mom's initial diagnosis. In my mind, dieting = healthy. Dieting = control. Control is good. It soothes me to get out a pen and paper and crunch numbers (calories in, calories expended, how much weight I can lose in a year, etc.). It has become clear to me that this is just another way for me to try to deal with my problems, try to solve the wrongs in my world.
Well, it kind of sucks, but I am not necessarily in control of a whole lot of the things that go on in my world. I am not in control of other people's actions. I am not in control of life or death...and controlling my eating won't give me any control over those things.
Furthermore, my dieting = healthy mentality is not necessarily true. Especially since I have shown a marked propensity to gain all my weight back when the diet is done and yo-yoing is definitely not the way to go. I have to remind myself that I can be healthy. I can eat good, clean food to fulfill my hunger and I can get up and move and it doesn't have to be a control thing. Once I get that reminder, it becomes even clearer that I'm using my weight and the ability to control it as a form of avoiding the issue at hand.
My moma is dying. My family is in chaos and I am angry, hurt, frustrated, sad, pissed, upset, helpless, and needy! I don't want to feel that way. But what other way should I feel? Good, happy, euphoric? Nope. This is the way I am supposed to feel. It is completely okay to not be happy. Why do we always try to use anything around us to avoid our feelings? Or am I the only one that does this? Any feeling other than happy or good should be eradicated...except that's not true, is it? Those feelings are there for a reason and they are okay.
So, banana nut muffin, be damned, I don't need you to make me feel happy. I'm okay with pissed and sad and frustrated.
Another book, helping me on my journey. Yes, I love to read and I read a lot. I got an Amazon Kindle for Christmas and I read every single day, so I will be talking about books a lot in this blog (books and clothes and movies and, possibly, John Mayer, hell it's my blog, I can say what I want to say!). Anyway, the book is a good one. All about feelings and how we use diets to avoid them and the like. I like it a lot and highly recommend it if you are at all like me.
So, rough weekend. On to the week ahead...
And that's not the worst of it. My moma can't walk anymore. All around, it was beyond rough. My moma is skin and bones right now. She's 5'10", around 120 pounds right now. All my life, she's been around 160-170 pounds and even then, she was slim. At her height and with her bone structure, her lifelong weight was just right. This new weight loss strikes home just how sick she really is. She is really weak and her legs just can't hold her up very well anymore.
So now, I am visiting the Scooter store to see what will work for her. I don't know how much time she has left anymore, but she is only 54. I was hoping to have her at least until she was 70, but hope is never a guarantee, hmm? And she's smoked for 41 years, so the lung cancer diagnosis was not necessarily a shock to all of us. I remember sitting down in front of her when I was 10 and telling her all about how cigarette smoking is bad and how she could die from it. She reassured me then that she knew all about it. Knowing is not the same as knowing, though.
And my brothers and sister and aunts and Darnell were all seemingly useless this weekend. I don't know if it's my PMS or their actual actions, but I was majorly disappointed in their efforts at supporting both my mom and myself over the weekend. I won't go into detail, but I will say, you can never predict or control the actions of other people. Which I think might be one of the reasons why I love food so much. I mean, it stays the same. Coffee is always coffee and a Krispy Kreme donut is always a Krispy Kreme donut, you know? My brother, my mom, my family and Darnell...they are constantly changing (and not always the way I want them to).
I have a tendency to want to diet whenever I hear anything bad about my mom's cancer or see her struggling. I did join Kimkins in the midst of my mom's initial diagnosis. In my mind, dieting = healthy. Dieting = control. Control is good. It soothes me to get out a pen and paper and crunch numbers (calories in, calories expended, how much weight I can lose in a year, etc.). It has become clear to me that this is just another way for me to try to deal with my problems, try to solve the wrongs in my world.
Well, it kind of sucks, but I am not necessarily in control of a whole lot of the things that go on in my world. I am not in control of other people's actions. I am not in control of life or death...and controlling my eating won't give me any control over those things.
Furthermore, my dieting = healthy mentality is not necessarily true. Especially since I have shown a marked propensity to gain all my weight back when the diet is done and yo-yoing is definitely not the way to go. I have to remind myself that I can be healthy. I can eat good, clean food to fulfill my hunger and I can get up and move and it doesn't have to be a control thing. Once I get that reminder, it becomes even clearer that I'm using my weight and the ability to control it as a form of avoiding the issue at hand.
My moma is dying. My family is in chaos and I am angry, hurt, frustrated, sad, pissed, upset, helpless, and needy! I don't want to feel that way. But what other way should I feel? Good, happy, euphoric? Nope. This is the way I am supposed to feel. It is completely okay to not be happy. Why do we always try to use anything around us to avoid our feelings? Or am I the only one that does this? Any feeling other than happy or good should be eradicated...except that's not true, is it? Those feelings are there for a reason and they are okay.
So, banana nut muffin, be damned, I don't need you to make me feel happy. I'm okay with pissed and sad and frustrated.
Another book, helping me on my journey. Yes, I love to read and I read a lot. I got an Amazon Kindle for Christmas and I read every single day, so I will be talking about books a lot in this blog (books and clothes and movies and, possibly, John Mayer, hell it's my blog, I can say what I want to say!). Anyway, the book is a good one. All about feelings and how we use diets to avoid them and the like. I like it a lot and highly recommend it if you are at all like me.
So, rough weekend. On to the week ahead...
Friday, March 7, 2008
When women stop hating their bodies
The title alone is enough for me.I bought this book on Amazon and have been thumbing through it over the last few days. It's really good...even though I am not subscribing to anybody's eating principles just now. I've listened to other people for so long that am at a point now where I'm not hearing anybody but me.
So, I stood in front of the mirror yesterday, naked, as one of the exercises in the book suggests and I thought about all of the things I hate and thought about whether or not they were really that bad.
A part of me that I tend to hate is my arms, my upperarms. I always feel like they are thick and huge like a linebacker and I wear long sleeves or short sleeves that fall to my elbow because of them. I've always hated their size. So, then I had to think about what I liked about them. I like that they are smooth and not flappy, kind of solid. I like my skin-tone. So, my challenge for myself was to find a shirt that shows off my arms and then to actually wear it out in public. I went shopping at Dots (which has cute, super-cheap clothes and a decent plus-sized section) and found a shirt that I think will meet this task. I like the shirt because its a little low-cut, but not too low-cut (my boobs are definitely my friend!) and it cinches at the waist, which I have always liked because I love my waist. It's blue and white, which is not a color I normally wear. I tend to wear black (you know why, so don't even ask), red, brown and pink. So, this blue is a step out of my comfort zone. I am planning to pair the shirt with a pair of white (gasp!) slacks that I bought online from Old Navy.
I have been torn about shopping at Old Navy's fat girl shop online because of the whole concept of not offering these awesomely awesome clothes at the store around the corner and, effectively, saying "We'll make cute clothes for you, but you can't come into our stores". But my pride is apparently a little bit weaker than my love of fashion because I am an avid Old Navy online shopper. You just can't beat the prices, the quality and the cuteness...So, anyway, I am planning to wear this outfit this weekend (when the temp here should go up to a steamy 45 degrees). I will make Darnell snap a photo of me so that I can share my Fat Fashionable Self with all of you and you can let me know what you think.
I will share more of my experiences with this book with you all as I complete them and continue my journey into self-love (hmm, that sounds kind of kinky, doesn't it?). I'm really thinking it shouldn't be too hard (well, it will be hard, I'm sure) because I kind of already am a little bit stuck on myself. How can I not be? I live in my own skin and I love my mind and my wit and my sense of humor already. It's not such a stretch to love my body as well.
Oh yeah, I will share one more thing today.
I was looking at Medusa's blog and saw this picture of Marilyn Monroe. Well, by today's standards, she was a little hefty round the bottom. Can anyone deny her beauty? This started me thinking about my very first diet. Here is a photo of me when I first decided that I was too fat for normal consumption and went on the Atkins diet.
I weighed around 180 pounds. Can't remember exactly. I hated my body back then and only wanted to be thinner. In all likelihood, if I had never dieted in the first place. I would probably be somewhere around this weight.
Oddly enough, I think I'm prettier today.
I might write more this weekend. I promised my mom (who has lung cancer and uses it to her advantage to get whatever she wants from her baby girl) that I would get her some fried fish this weekend. So, I will be busy with that and then glueing swarvoski crystals onto my niece Nay-Nay's new phone (I am not crafty, so prayers and supplication to the heavens would come in handy on this task).
Before I bid you adieu, remember to say a prayer, find some Zen or shakra for Amyb's baby boy Philip. And don't forget to set your clocks ahead at 2am on Sunday.
Love, peace and hairgrease.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The Topic of Me
Hi, all! I'm Jeanessa and I am not on a diet.
The theory behind this blog has been a long time coming. I have been battling my weight since I was about 20. I'm 29 years old and I am done battling my weight. Did I lose all my excess poundage and transform myself into a new person? Nope. I'm still the same old Jeanessa. And I am going to be me regardless of my weight.
I've been thinking about things for a long time. For about 8 or 9 years, I have really bought into the philosophy that something was wrong with me because of my weight. I really felt like I needed to do something about my weight immediately, not for health reasons necessarily, but mostly because it sucks to be fat.
Fat people are made fun of. Fat girls are considered to be unattractive by the very vocal majority. Fat is just not fun. Right?
Here comes the difference between my perception and reality.
1.) Fat people are made fun of.
Well, I've been fat for at least the last 8 or 9 years and nobody has made fun of me. At least, not to my face. Well, that's not entirely true. There was that time that I didn't latch my phony-pony on tight and it came loose in public...mortifying, yes, and a few people (mostly my friends!) did make fun of me. And I have short arms and legs and my husband makes fun of me when I can't reach stuff. And also I tend to fall a lot...especially when I am wearing heels or bouncing down carpeted stairs....which results in additional fun-making. But never once about my weight or body size. But watching stuff on TV about fat chicks and guys and how hilarious they are can be annoying. Still, TV isn't reality. At least, not mine.
2.) Fat girls are considered to be unattractive by the very vocal majority.
There are undoubtedly guys that aren't attracted to me (also many guys with whom I am not attracted as well), but my husband is (and he's the guy that matters). Also, I have been told I am hot, sexy, pretty, beautiful and flirted with more times than I can count over this almost-decade of "obesity". There was even a guy that followed me in his truck, switching lanes and turning corners (scary!), all so that he could smile at me and lift his eyebrow. I shook my head and he turned the opposite way, thank God. And I was invited into a threesome (I politely declined) and I've gotten free stuff (well, mostly food, now that I think about it...probably feeders, hmm, but I digress). Suffice it to say, I do as well on the guy front as any lady whose been married for the last 10 years should do!
Secondly, I see fat women with men all the time...and not just with miserable, down-trodden husbands, but people who are obviously newly dating (googly eyes, kisses and hand-holding). So, being fat is not necessarily a deterrent on the romance front, especially if you don't hole yourself up in negative self-esteem and allow it to be.
Thirdly, I am not 100% sure that I would be interested in being with the type of man who is vocally adverse to being with a fat woman. I've been married for about a decade and have a modicum of knowledge on what it takes to make a relationship last from day to day...and this kind of guy is not the man I would have standing beside me when I have to battle baby weight, middle age, changes in emotions and hormones and metabolism and life in general. Sure, those kinds of guys may be nice to look at, but a picture isn't reality. At least, not my reality.
3.) Fat is just not fun.
Well, I have had a lot of fun over the last almost decade. I have fun all the time. I have made lots of friends and strengthened my relationship with my family. I laugh my ass off at least once a day, because that's just who I am. Oddly enough, the times that I have not had fun have mostly been when I was obsessing about every little thing I put in my mouth or hating myself because I don't look like the women in magazines and on TV. But I do look like the woman down the street...or at least comparable to her. I definitely don't think that my weight has stopped me from maximizing the fun in my life. But, I don't live the club scene. It's just not my style. If going to clubs and being admired in a line of scantily clad women is your scene, then being fat would probably be a miserable situation for you to be in.
I looked into intuitive eating and, although I am not sold on any one particular program, I do admire the principles of hunger and fullness and truly think that this is the way that many of us should eat. So, I may dabble from time to time in some IE principles.
I am concerned about my health. Not necessarily because I am fat. I am as concerned with my health as any person should be. I want to do things that will improve or maintain my good health. But I know that dieting or weight loss does not necessarily improve health. What does improve health? Moving, reducing stress, eating a variety of quality foods. That's where I want to be. Not, in the place where a few calories over 1200 means that I've done something wrong. Not in a place where I am craving chocolate cake because I can't have it on my current diet. But in a place where food is as powerful as it should be, it fuels me, it tastes good and that's it.
And I know two thing to be true.
1.) If I never lose a pound, I'm still Jeanessa. I am still worthy of my self-respect, my self-esteem, my own love and admiration. I am still intelligent, vivacious, successful and beautiful. I am just fine.
2.) If I lose 100 pounds, I'm still Jeanessa. I am still worthy of my self-respect, my self-esteem, my own love and admiration. I am still intelligent, vivacious, successful and beautiful. I am just fine.
So, guess what? My weight doesn't matter! I do.
This comes from a girl who was desperate enough to lose weight that she joined Kimkins. I've come a long way! (Yes, I am the Jeanessa of the Kimkins Class Action Lawsuit.)
This blog is not just about my weight. I won't be weighing in. I won't be beating myself up for being hungry or having an appetite. I won't be showing you photos of me in my "skinny jeans". I will be sharing slices of a life that is complicated, fun, imperfect...and lived. A life that is lived by a woman who is fat.
Join me.
The theory behind this blog has been a long time coming. I have been battling my weight since I was about 20. I'm 29 years old and I am done battling my weight. Did I lose all my excess poundage and transform myself into a new person? Nope. I'm still the same old Jeanessa. And I am going to be me regardless of my weight.
I've been thinking about things for a long time. For about 8 or 9 years, I have really bought into the philosophy that something was wrong with me because of my weight. I really felt like I needed to do something about my weight immediately, not for health reasons necessarily, but mostly because it sucks to be fat.
Fat people are made fun of. Fat girls are considered to be unattractive by the very vocal majority. Fat is just not fun. Right?
Here comes the difference between my perception and reality.
1.) Fat people are made fun of.
Well, I've been fat for at least the last 8 or 9 years and nobody has made fun of me. At least, not to my face. Well, that's not entirely true. There was that time that I didn't latch my phony-pony on tight and it came loose in public...mortifying, yes, and a few people (mostly my friends!) did make fun of me. And I have short arms and legs and my husband makes fun of me when I can't reach stuff. And also I tend to fall a lot...especially when I am wearing heels or bouncing down carpeted stairs....which results in additional fun-making. But never once about my weight or body size. But watching stuff on TV about fat chicks and guys and how hilarious they are can be annoying. Still, TV isn't reality. At least, not mine.
2.) Fat girls are considered to be unattractive by the very vocal majority.
There are undoubtedly guys that aren't attracted to me (also many guys with whom I am not attracted as well), but my husband is (and he's the guy that matters). Also, I have been told I am hot, sexy, pretty, beautiful and flirted with more times than I can count over this almost-decade of "obesity". There was even a guy that followed me in his truck, switching lanes and turning corners (scary!), all so that he could smile at me and lift his eyebrow. I shook my head and he turned the opposite way, thank God. And I was invited into a threesome (I politely declined) and I've gotten free stuff (well, mostly food, now that I think about it...probably feeders, hmm, but I digress). Suffice it to say, I do as well on the guy front as any lady whose been married for the last 10 years should do!
Secondly, I see fat women with men all the time...and not just with miserable, down-trodden husbands, but people who are obviously newly dating (googly eyes, kisses and hand-holding). So, being fat is not necessarily a deterrent on the romance front, especially if you don't hole yourself up in negative self-esteem and allow it to be.
Thirdly, I am not 100% sure that I would be interested in being with the type of man who is vocally adverse to being with a fat woman. I've been married for about a decade and have a modicum of knowledge on what it takes to make a relationship last from day to day...and this kind of guy is not the man I would have standing beside me when I have to battle baby weight, middle age, changes in emotions and hormones and metabolism and life in general. Sure, those kinds of guys may be nice to look at, but a picture isn't reality. At least, not my reality.
3.) Fat is just not fun.
Well, I have had a lot of fun over the last almost decade. I have fun all the time. I have made lots of friends and strengthened my relationship with my family. I laugh my ass off at least once a day, because that's just who I am. Oddly enough, the times that I have not had fun have mostly been when I was obsessing about every little thing I put in my mouth or hating myself because I don't look like the women in magazines and on TV. But I do look like the woman down the street...or at least comparable to her. I definitely don't think that my weight has stopped me from maximizing the fun in my life. But, I don't live the club scene. It's just not my style. If going to clubs and being admired in a line of scantily clad women is your scene, then being fat would probably be a miserable situation for you to be in.
I looked into intuitive eating and, although I am not sold on any one particular program, I do admire the principles of hunger and fullness and truly think that this is the way that many of us should eat. So, I may dabble from time to time in some IE principles.
I am concerned about my health. Not necessarily because I am fat. I am as concerned with my health as any person should be. I want to do things that will improve or maintain my good health. But I know that dieting or weight loss does not necessarily improve health. What does improve health? Moving, reducing stress, eating a variety of quality foods. That's where I want to be. Not, in the place where a few calories over 1200 means that I've done something wrong. Not in a place where I am craving chocolate cake because I can't have it on my current diet. But in a place where food is as powerful as it should be, it fuels me, it tastes good and that's it.
And I know two thing to be true.
1.) If I never lose a pound, I'm still Jeanessa. I am still worthy of my self-respect, my self-esteem, my own love and admiration. I am still intelligent, vivacious, successful and beautiful. I am just fine.
2.) If I lose 100 pounds, I'm still Jeanessa. I am still worthy of my self-respect, my self-esteem, my own love and admiration. I am still intelligent, vivacious, successful and beautiful. I am just fine.
So, guess what? My weight doesn't matter! I do.
This comes from a girl who was desperate enough to lose weight that she joined Kimkins. I've come a long way! (Yes, I am the Jeanessa of the Kimkins Class Action Lawsuit.)
This blog is not just about my weight. I won't be weighing in. I won't be beating myself up for being hungry or having an appetite. I won't be showing you photos of me in my "skinny jeans". I will be sharing slices of a life that is complicated, fun, imperfect...and lived. A life that is lived by a woman who is fat.
Join me.
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