Take courage...

I did not intend for this to be a Kimkins blog at all...and that is still not my intention. I want this blog to be about my life in general. I'm coming to the realization that Kimkins is part of my life right now. I made a decision back in early September to put my name on the top of a class action lawsuit. At the time, I didn't know fully what that entailed. I am swiftly learning. I composed this impassioned email to several attorneys and spoke at length with them to try to determine what the best course of action would be because Heidi Diaz was just wrong, and all my life, people have been telling me that the justice system works, that we fight against wrongs. So, this is how I approached the whole Kimkins fiasco.

This last week in Ducky land has been an interesting one. Lots of fights and super-secret revelations of CIA-esque proportions. And I've been thinking about what it all means.

It means that what we're doing matters. It means that we are making progress.

I spoke with John today and he always makes me feel like things are 100% better. I am SO glad he wrote me back bck then and listened to my long, convoluted unbelieveable story about the Kimmer and this crazy starvation diet on the Internet. I can't believe this brilliant, tenacious man cared enough about a bunch of fat (and formerly fat) girls on the Internet who had been conned. But he did. And it's awesome!

With all the bad things that have been said lately, I wanted to take some time out to say some good things. So, here goes!

I'm calling out names (forgive me if I don't mention you, I don't know everything)....a partial cast list....

Tooter - I love you because you never change. You are always tenacious, you are always up front and you never give up! You're always enouraging, you always question things and I love to see your now very familiar, pretty face on my computer screen as I scroll the FWK thread.

Cleo - damn, I have never seen anyone with your sense of humor and biting cynicism. I love it! All that pizzaz plus riced cauliflower pizza, oopsies and bento! You think outside the box and you say it like it is. We're lucky that you choose to spend any time with us.

Honeybee - Girl, you are the Queen of all Sleuthing. You have set the standard for tenacity and Duckydom and I don't know where we would be without you. Where have you been lately? Bring yourself right back here to us and encourage us to keep sleuthing!

Tom - thank you for allowing us the space to vent and explore. Please never let the drama deter you from allowing us to continue. We can't thank you enough.

Cutie - Well. You are the culprit behind this whole thing, you know? LOL! I thank you for every encouraging email, for being there in the early days when it was not safe to be anti-Kimkins and for laying down some solid groundwork for us all to tread on. It's amazing how far we've all come!

MrsMenopausal - You really make it worthwhile coming into the thread. You encourage, you fight, you admonish. That's what this is all about really. You were banned and you stood up and nothing has knocked you down. I'm so glad we're in this fight together.

v0xhumana - you're as consistent as can be, always asking the right questions and ready to dig for old info when you see where its needed. Plus I like your avatar!

Barbara B - you always spare a kind word for me and I don't think you know how much I appreciate it. I know that this fight has been a hard one, but take courage! Our work is not in vain and I love that you are here with me on this journey.

Katinsac - My Cali girl! You listened to my "little girl" voice on the phone and you encourage me all the time. You say what you mean, you mean what you say and you let the rest slide off your back. I wanna be more like you!

Yucky/Mimi/Loopy(this is what I always called you in my head, lol!) - you laugh when nobody else does! You keep me on my toes. You ask the questions that others are afraid to ask. You call me out on my bs. You make me laugh. You are steady and consistent, a rock! Imperfect, but beautiful, and worth every second I spend on your site. So, keep trucking.

MagicsMom - you blog, you hunt, you encourage, you never disappear, you always respond, you keep fighting! WOW, I wanna be like you, too, BANTA Babe!

Rebel - your house is lovely and we can all imagine sitting on the porch and sipping sweet tea. You always have a ready response, a ready question, you dig and fight, frolick and have fun, you're the kind of girl that makes posting on a thread fun.

WildAngel6 - what can I say? You're organizational and corraling skills are beyond compare. Thank you so much for doing all of this, for challenging us. We'd be far behind where we are if it wasn't for you. I use your links every single day.

MorganMacleoid - thanks for emailing me, helping me along, giving me information to share with John, asking the right questions to make me think, posting on Kimkins Dangers and hanging out on the thread back in the beginning. I've missed your posts and I'm glad you're still checking back with us and hope to see more of you.

jo2621 - thanks for always going into the Lion's Den and sharing your knowledge!

dlslds - You're like a machine! A very nice, very kind, very sleuthy machine that loves smilies.

Mayberryfan - Can I miss the Daughtry avatar, but I'm ok! You encourage me and support me and say nice things about me and, for that, I will always be eternally grateful. Plus, you sleuth and you poke and you have fun while doing it.

MomtoEli - you're such a sweetheart, all the nice words, forgiving me for being snippy with you and coming into the game with guns blazing!

LosingtoLive - when it's time to laugh, you have a good joke, when its time to fight, you have a snappy comeback, when its time to encourage, you have a kind word. You're a trooper.

Medusa - your blog rocks! I love it, all of the very so essential information about eating disorders and how very similar the Kimkins mindset is to them. Plus, you're bold as brass and that is a trait that I admire.

Deni - you are so quietly forceful and I know you're praying and that makes me feel at ease.

the Jimmy - I don't care what anybody says, I like you! Thanks for apologizing, thanks for standing up, thanks for providing a place for ex-KK to support each other and never, ever change!

Trista - thanks for putting your name out there to be gawked at when not many others were willing to. Thanks for standing up with me!

HBGal - wheverever you are! Thank you SO much for doing the KTLA show, for putting yourself out there to be gawked at and maligned and being so graceful, forthight and honest about your Kimkins experience. I hope to hear from you soon.

Missis36 - I miss you! You dig like a jackhammer and make me laugh. You were my favorite person on any thread anywhere and you know why! I hope to see you again soon!

Christin - THANK YOU! For the prayers, for the sharing of knowledge, for doing all those dang TV shows and talking with reporters, for fighting against Heidi's continued scamming, for being graceful under all kinds of pressure, for standing up and sticking out. If nobody else ever tells you this, you are the BOMB!

Carolyn F - you laugh at the good jokes and sleuth and support like nobody's business.

WifeZilla - for encouraging and sleuthing

BamaGal - what would we do without you? You are a backbone and a funny bone, too!

Paula Jayne - for starting the thread that never ends with a very good question!

Pooticus - for always laughing!

w00t - for being a cute guy! and for leaving Kimkins and standing up for yourself! You've been a breath of fresh air on the boards.

JustKim - for leaving KK and taking a little bit of her credibility with you. For standing up against Heidi. You may think you lost a friend, but, hon, you never had one in the first place!

TerryC - for always offering a helping hand and being willing to do whatever it takes to get things done!

Sheridan - for poking and prodding, giving me ideas and fighting the good fight!

Locarb4me - whew, you work your butt off! I can never keep up with you, but I feel good that I'm at least treading somewhere behind you!

Just Ducky - for coralling us. Man, oh, man, you rocked the anti-Kimkins movement. I don't know where you are or what you're doing, but thanks for what you did. Hope to see you posting again soon.

Miss Mezmerize - for the martinis and the meat, the youtube vids and everything in between.

2big4mysize - um....where could I begin? You rock. I can't even start to thank you for everything that you've done. I know there's more to do and you'll be instrumental in getting it done!

KimPossible - where are you? You supported me, PM'ed me, laughed at me and it was nice.

Becky - girl, you pray for me, you dig, you endure, you stand up. I can't thank you enough. I don't know if we would be this far if you hadn't stepped in and helped out. I think I know you in ways that some other people may not. I want you to know that I respect and admire you.

ixtapacheryl - I love your pics, your encouraging words, your support, your sleuthing and your consistency.

Prudentia (I almost forgot!) - for standing up for what you believe, blogging about it and being sane in stressful situations. I admire your tenacity and your ability to reason out emotional situations.

My fingers are tired....but there's SO many more....

MJR, LuckyKitty, LChottie07, Sheridan, gibster, beachfires, Queeny, LISAinTN, Lilgrnize, sissypoo, SMP, Amyb, cadydid, eggonmyface, Kelly130, Madam De Leon, lbbmp, TXniteowl, froleena, serenity-aus, prettypaula, kycowgirl, losingjusme, Sunabee, lindaokc, Woman Typing Badly, mum22, DoggyGirl, kar_kar, LINC, Binsk, RockyMntAngelEyes, Stevie, mimi, LCprincess, vernswifevickie, Boujie, emily1965, shelby7851, DivaHerself, Carolina Rose, Leashy, DivaTai, LovelyLady, MyCanneloni, Buff-N0-Tuff, DeliGirl,

I could be here all day.

I wanted to post this in case anyone is getting disheartened. We're not just one or two or a dozen people who have no life. We're a whole lot of people who have wonderful lives and who feel the need to stop an injustice that one woman found so easy to commit from behind the safety of a computer.

Take heart! There is more to come!!!

And it ain't over until the fat lady sings...and I haven't sang a tune yet, so sit tight!

Rough Weekend...

I didn't get to wear my cute outfit.

And that's not the worst of it. My moma can't walk anymore. All around, it was beyond rough. My moma is skin and bones right now. She's 5'10", around 120 pounds right now. All my life, she's been around 160-170 pounds and even then, she was slim. At her height and with her bone structure, her lifelong weight was just right. This new weight loss strikes home just how sick she really is. She is really weak and her legs just can't hold her up very well anymore.

So now, I am visiting the Scooter store to see what will work for her. I don't know how much time she has left anymore, but she is only 54. I was hoping to have her at least until she was 70, but hope is never a guarantee, hmm? And she's smoked for 41 years, so the lung cancer diagnosis was not necessarily a shock to all of us. I remember sitting down in front of her when I was 10 and telling her all about how cigarette smoking is bad and how she could die from it. She reassured me then that she knew all about it. Knowing is not the same as knowing, though.

And my brothers and sister and aunts and Darnell were all seemingly useless this weekend. I don't know if it's my PMS or their actual actions, but I was majorly disappointed in their efforts at supporting both my mom and myself over the weekend. I won't go into detail, but I will say, you can never predict or control the actions of other people. Which I think might be one of the reasons why I love food so much. I mean, it stays the same. Coffee is always coffee and a Krispy Kreme donut is always a Krispy Kreme donut, you know? My brother, my mom, my family and Darnell...they are constantly changing (and not always the way I want them to).

I have a tendency to want to diet whenever I hear anything bad about my mom's cancer or see her struggling. I did join Kimkins in the midst of my mom's initial diagnosis. In my mind, dieting = healthy. Dieting = control. Control is good. It soothes me to get out a pen and paper and crunch numbers (calories in, calories expended, how much weight I can lose in a year, etc.). It has become clear to me that this is just another way for me to try to deal with my problems, try to solve the wrongs in my world.

Well, it kind of sucks, but I am not necessarily in control of a whole lot of the things that go on in my world. I am not in control of other people's actions. I am not in control of life or death...and controlling my eating won't give me any control over those things.

Furthermore, my dieting = healthy mentality is not necessarily true. Especially since I have shown a marked propensity to gain all my weight back when the diet is done and yo-yoing is definitely not the way to go. I have to remind myself that I can be healthy. I can eat good, clean food to fulfill my hunger and I can get up and move and it doesn't have to be a control thing. Once I get that reminder, it becomes even clearer that I'm using my weight and the ability to control it as a form of avoiding the issue at hand.

My moma is dying. My family is in chaos and I am angry, hurt, frustrated, sad, pissed, upset, helpless, and needy! I don't want to feel that way. But what other way should I feel? Good, happy, euphoric? Nope. This is the way I am supposed to feel. It is completely okay to not be happy. Why do we always try to use anything around us to avoid our feelings? Or am I the only one that does this? Any feeling other than happy or good should be eradicated...except that's not true, is it? Those feelings are there for a reason and they are okay.

So, banana nut muffin, be damned, I don't need you to make me feel happy. I'm okay with pissed and sad and frustrated.



Another book, helping me on my journey. Yes, I love to read and I read a lot. I got an Amazon Kindle for Christmas and I read every single day, so I will be talking about books a lot in this blog (books and clothes and movies and, possibly, John Mayer, hell it's my blog, I can say what I want to say!). Anyway, the book is a good one. All about feelings and how we use diets to avoid them and the like. I like it a lot and highly recommend it if you are at all like me.

So, rough weekend. On to the week ahead...

When women stop hating their bodies

The title alone is enough for me.

I bought this book on Amazon and have been thumbing through it over the last few days. It's really good...even though I am not subscribing to anybody's eating principles just now. I've listened to other people for so long that am at a point now where I'm not hearing anybody but me.

So, I stood in front of the mirror yesterday, naked, as one of the exercises in the book suggests and I thought about all of the things I hate and thought about whether or not they were really that bad.

A part of me that I tend to hate is my arms, my upperarms. I always feel like they are thick and huge like a linebacker and I wear long sleeves or short sleeves that fall to my elbow because of them. I've always hated their size. So, then I had to think about what I liked about them. I like that they are smooth and not flappy, kind of solid. I like my skin-tone. So, my challenge for myself was to find a shirt that shows off my arms and then to actually wear it out in public. I went shopping at Dots (which has cute, super-cheap clothes and a decent plus-sized section) and found a shirt that I think will meet this task. I like the shirt because its a little low-cut, but not too low-cut (my boobs are definitely my friend!) and it cinches at the waist, which I have always liked because I love my waist. It's blue and white, which is not a color I normally wear. I tend to wear black (you know why, so don't even ask), red, brown and pink. So, this blue is a step out of my comfort zone. I am planning to pair the shirt with a pair of white (gasp!) slacks that I bought online from Old Navy.

I have been torn about shopping at Old Navy's fat girl shop online because of the whole concept of not offering these awesomely awesome clothes at the store around the corner and, effectively, saying "We'll make cute clothes for you, but you can't come into our stores". But my pride is apparently a little bit weaker than my love of fashion because I am an avid Old Navy online shopper. You just can't beat the prices, the quality and the cuteness...

So, anyway, I am planning to wear this outfit this weekend (when the temp here should go up to a steamy 45 degrees). I will make Darnell snap a photo of me so that I can share my Fat Fashionable Self with all of you and you can let me know what you think.

I will share more of my experiences with this book with you all as I complete them and continue my journey into self-love (hmm, that sounds kind of kinky, doesn't it?). I'm really thinking it shouldn't be too hard (well, it will be hard, I'm sure) because I kind of already am a little bit stuck on myself. How can I not be? I live in my own skin and I love my mind and my wit and my sense of humor already. It's not such a stretch to love my body as well.

Oh yeah, I will share one more thing today.

I was looking at Medusa's blog and saw this picture of Marilyn Monroe. Well, by today's standards, she was a little hefty round the bottom. Can anyone deny her beauty? This started me thinking about my very first diet. Here is a photo of me when I first decided that I was too fat for normal consumption and went on the Atkins diet.

I weighed around 180 pounds. Can't remember exactly. I hated my body back then and only wanted to be thinner. In all likelihood, if I had never dieted in the first place. I would probably be somewhere around this weight.

Oddly enough, I think I'm prettier today.

I might write more this weekend. I promised my mom (who has lung cancer and uses it to her advantage to get whatever she wants from her baby girl) that I would get her some fried fish this weekend. So, I will be busy with that and then glueing swarvoski crystals onto my niece Nay-Nay's new phone (I am not crafty, so prayers and supplication to the heavens would come in handy on this task).

Before I bid you adieu, remember to say a prayer, find some Zen or shakra for Amyb's baby boy Philip. And don't forget to set your clocks ahead at 2am on Sunday.

Love, peace and hairgrease.

The Topic of Me

Hi, all! I'm Jeanessa and I am not on a diet.

The theory behind this blog has been a long time coming. I have been battling my weight since I was about 20. I'm 29 years old and I am done battling my weight. Did I lose all my excess poundage and transform myself into a new person? Nope. I'm still the same old Jeanessa. And I am going to be me regardless of my weight.

I've been thinking about things for a long time. For about 8 or 9 years, I have really bought into the philosophy that something was wrong with me because of my weight. I really felt like I needed to do something about my weight immediately, not for health reasons necessarily, but mostly because it sucks to be fat.

Fat people are made fun of. Fat girls are considered to be unattractive by the very vocal majority. Fat is just not fun. Right?

Here comes the difference between my perception and reality.

1.) Fat people are made fun of.

Well, I've been fat for at least the last 8 or 9 years and nobody has made fun of me. At least, not to my face. Well, that's not entirely true. There was that time that I didn't latch my phony-pony on tight and it came loose in public...mortifying, yes, and a few people (mostly my friends!) did make fun of me. And I have short arms and legs and my husband makes fun of me when I can't reach stuff. And also I tend to fall a lot...especially when I am wearing heels or bouncing down carpeted stairs....which results in additional fun-making. But never once about my weight or body size. But watching stuff on TV about fat chicks and guys and how hilarious they are can be annoying. Still, TV isn't reality. At least, not mine.

2.) Fat girls are considered to be unattractive by the very vocal majority.

There are undoubtedly guys that aren't attracted to me (also many guys with whom I am not attracted as well), but my husband is (and he's the guy that matters). Also, I have been told I am hot, sexy, pretty, beautiful and flirted with more times than I can count over this almost-decade of "obesity". There was even a guy that followed me in his truck, switching lanes and turning corners (scary!), all so that he could smile at me and lift his eyebrow. I shook my head and he turned the opposite way, thank God. And I was invited into a threesome (I politely declined) and I've gotten free stuff (well, mostly food, now that I think about it...probably feeders, hmm, but I digress). Suffice it to say, I do as well on the guy front as any lady whose been married for the last 10 years should do!

Secondly, I see fat women with men all the time...and not just with miserable, down-trodden husbands, but people who are obviously newly dating (googly eyes, kisses and hand-holding). So, being fat is not necessarily a deterrent on the romance front, especially if you don't hole yourself up in negative self-esteem and allow it to be.

Thirdly, I am not 100% sure that I would be interested in being with the type of man who is vocally adverse to being with a fat woman. I've been married for about a decade and have a modicum of knowledge on what it takes to make a relationship last from day to day...and this kind of guy is not the man I would have standing beside me when I have to battle baby weight, middle age, changes in emotions and hormones and metabolism and life in general. Sure, those kinds of guys may be nice to look at, but a picture isn't reality. At least, not my reality.

3.) Fat is just not fun.

Well, I have had a lot of fun over the last almost decade. I have fun all the time. I have made lots of friends and strengthened my relationship with my family. I laugh my ass off at least once a day, because that's just who I am. Oddly enough, the times that I have not had fun have mostly been when I was obsessing about every little thing I put in my mouth or hating myself because I don't look like the women in magazines and on TV. But I do look like the woman down the street...or at least comparable to her. I definitely don't think that my weight has stopped me from maximizing the fun in my life. But, I don't live the club scene. It's just not my style. If going to clubs and being admired in a line of scantily clad women is your scene, then being fat would probably be a miserable situation for you to be in.

I looked into intuitive eating and, although I am not sold on any one particular program, I do admire the principles of hunger and fullness and truly think that this is the way that many of us should eat. So, I may dabble from time to time in some IE principles.

I am concerned about my health. Not necessarily because I am fat. I am as concerned with my health as any person should be. I want to do things that will improve or maintain my good health. But I know that dieting or weight loss does not necessarily improve health. What does improve health? Moving, reducing stress, eating a variety of quality foods. That's where I want to be. Not, in the place where a few calories over 1200 means that I've done something wrong. Not in a place where I am craving chocolate cake because I can't have it on my current diet. But in a place where food is as powerful as it should be, it fuels me, it tastes good and that's it.

And I know two thing to be true.

1.) If I never lose a pound, I'm still Jeanessa. I am still worthy of my self-respect, my self-esteem, my own love and admiration. I am still intelligent, vivacious, successful and beautiful. I am just fine.

2.) If I lose 100 pounds, I'm still Jeanessa. I am still worthy of my self-respect, my self-esteem, my own love and admiration. I am still intelligent, vivacious, successful and beautiful. I am just fine.

So, guess what? My weight doesn't matter! I do.

This comes from a girl who was desperate enough to lose weight that she joined Kimkins. I've come a long way! (Yes, I am the Jeanessa of the Kimkins Class Action Lawsuit.)

This blog is not just about my weight. I won't be weighing in. I won't be beating myself up for being hungry or having an appetite. I won't be showing you photos of me in my "skinny jeans". I will be sharing slices of a life that is complicated, fun, imperfect...and lived. A life that is lived by a woman who is fat.

Join me.