The Topic of Me

Hi, all! I'm Jeanessa and I am not on a diet.

The theory behind this blog has been a long time coming. I have been battling my weight since I was about 20. I'm 29 years old and I am done battling my weight. Did I lose all my excess poundage and transform myself into a new person? Nope. I'm still the same old Jeanessa. And I am going to be me regardless of my weight.

I've been thinking about things for a long time. For about 8 or 9 years, I have really bought into the philosophy that something was wrong with me because of my weight. I really felt like I needed to do something about my weight immediately, not for health reasons necessarily, but mostly because it sucks to be fat.

Fat people are made fun of. Fat girls are considered to be unattractive by the very vocal majority. Fat is just not fun. Right?

Here comes the difference between my perception and reality.

1.) Fat people are made fun of.

Well, I've been fat for at least the last 8 or 9 years and nobody has made fun of me. At least, not to my face. Well, that's not entirely true. There was that time that I didn't latch my phony-pony on tight and it came loose in public...mortifying, yes, and a few people (mostly my friends!) did make fun of me. And I have short arms and legs and my husband makes fun of me when I can't reach stuff. And also I tend to fall a lot...especially when I am wearing heels or bouncing down carpeted stairs....which results in additional fun-making. But never once about my weight or body size. But watching stuff on TV about fat chicks and guys and how hilarious they are can be annoying. Still, TV isn't reality. At least, not mine.

2.) Fat girls are considered to be unattractive by the very vocal majority.

There are undoubtedly guys that aren't attracted to me (also many guys with whom I am not attracted as well), but my husband is (and he's the guy that matters). Also, I have been told I am hot, sexy, pretty, beautiful and flirted with more times than I can count over this almost-decade of "obesity". There was even a guy that followed me in his truck, switching lanes and turning corners (scary!), all so that he could smile at me and lift his eyebrow. I shook my head and he turned the opposite way, thank God. And I was invited into a threesome (I politely declined) and I've gotten free stuff (well, mostly food, now that I think about it...probably feeders, hmm, but I digress). Suffice it to say, I do as well on the guy front as any lady whose been married for the last 10 years should do!

Secondly, I see fat women with men all the time...and not just with miserable, down-trodden husbands, but people who are obviously newly dating (googly eyes, kisses and hand-holding). So, being fat is not necessarily a deterrent on the romance front, especially if you don't hole yourself up in negative self-esteem and allow it to be.

Thirdly, I am not 100% sure that I would be interested in being with the type of man who is vocally adverse to being with a fat woman. I've been married for about a decade and have a modicum of knowledge on what it takes to make a relationship last from day to day...and this kind of guy is not the man I would have standing beside me when I have to battle baby weight, middle age, changes in emotions and hormones and metabolism and life in general. Sure, those kinds of guys may be nice to look at, but a picture isn't reality. At least, not my reality.

3.) Fat is just not fun.

Well, I have had a lot of fun over the last almost decade. I have fun all the time. I have made lots of friends and strengthened my relationship with my family. I laugh my ass off at least once a day, because that's just who I am. Oddly enough, the times that I have not had fun have mostly been when I was obsessing about every little thing I put in my mouth or hating myself because I don't look like the women in magazines and on TV. But I do look like the woman down the street...or at least comparable to her. I definitely don't think that my weight has stopped me from maximizing the fun in my life. But, I don't live the club scene. It's just not my style. If going to clubs and being admired in a line of scantily clad women is your scene, then being fat would probably be a miserable situation for you to be in.

I looked into intuitive eating and, although I am not sold on any one particular program, I do admire the principles of hunger and fullness and truly think that this is the way that many of us should eat. So, I may dabble from time to time in some IE principles.

I am concerned about my health. Not necessarily because I am fat. I am as concerned with my health as any person should be. I want to do things that will improve or maintain my good health. But I know that dieting or weight loss does not necessarily improve health. What does improve health? Moving, reducing stress, eating a variety of quality foods. That's where I want to be. Not, in the place where a few calories over 1200 means that I've done something wrong. Not in a place where I am craving chocolate cake because I can't have it on my current diet. But in a place where food is as powerful as it should be, it fuels me, it tastes good and that's it.

And I know two thing to be true.

1.) If I never lose a pound, I'm still Jeanessa. I am still worthy of my self-respect, my self-esteem, my own love and admiration. I am still intelligent, vivacious, successful and beautiful. I am just fine.

2.) If I lose 100 pounds, I'm still Jeanessa. I am still worthy of my self-respect, my self-esteem, my own love and admiration. I am still intelligent, vivacious, successful and beautiful. I am just fine.

So, guess what? My weight doesn't matter! I do.

This comes from a girl who was desperate enough to lose weight that she joined Kimkins. I've come a long way! (Yes, I am the Jeanessa of the Kimkins Class Action Lawsuit.)

This blog is not just about my weight. I won't be weighing in. I won't be beating myself up for being hungry or having an appetite. I won't be showing you photos of me in my "skinny jeans". I will be sharing slices of a life that is complicated, fun, imperfect...and lived. A life that is lived by a woman who is fat.

Join me.