And that's not the worst of it. My moma can't walk anymore. All around, it was beyond rough. My moma is skin and bones right now. She's 5'10", around 120 pounds right now. All my life, she's been around 160-170 pounds and even then, she was slim. At her height and with her bone structure, her lifelong weight was just right. This new weight loss strikes home just how sick she really is. She is really weak and her legs just can't hold her up very well anymore.
So now, I am visiting the Scooter store to see what will work for her. I don't know how much time she has left anymore, but she is only 54. I was hoping to have her at least until she was 70, but hope is never a guarantee, hmm? And she's smoked for 41 years, so the lung cancer diagnosis was not necessarily a shock to all of us. I remember sitting down in front of her when I was 10 and telling her all about how cigarette smoking is bad and how she could die from it. She reassured me then that she knew all about it. Knowing is not the same as knowing, though.
And my brothers and sister and aunts and Darnell were all seemingly useless this weekend. I don't know if it's my PMS or their actual actions, but I was majorly disappointed in their efforts at supporting both my mom and myself over the weekend. I won't go into detail, but I will say, you can never predict or control the actions of other people. Which I think might be one of the reasons why I love food so much. I mean, it stays the same. Coffee is always coffee and a Krispy Kreme donut is always a Krispy Kreme donut, you know? My brother, my mom, my family and Darnell...they are constantly changing (and not always the way I want them to).
I have a tendency to want to diet whenever I hear anything bad about my mom's cancer or see her struggling. I did join Kimkins in the midst of my mom's initial diagnosis. In my mind, dieting = healthy. Dieting = control. Control is good. It soothes me to get out a pen and paper and crunch numbers (calories in, calories expended, how much weight I can lose in a year, etc.). It has become clear to me that this is just another way for me to try to deal with my problems, try to solve the wrongs in my world.
Well, it kind of sucks, but I am not necessarily in control of a whole lot of the things that go on in my world. I am not in control of other people's actions. I am not in control of life or death...and controlling my eating won't give me any control over those things.
Furthermore, my dieting = healthy mentality is not necessarily true. Especially since I have shown a marked propensity to gain all my weight back when the diet is done and yo-yoing is definitely not the way to go. I have to remind myself that I can be healthy. I can eat good, clean food to fulfill my hunger and I can get up and move and it doesn't have to be a control thing. Once I get that reminder, it becomes even clearer that I'm using my weight and the ability to control it as a form of avoiding the issue at hand.
My moma is dying. My family is in chaos and I am angry, hurt, frustrated, sad, pissed, upset, helpless, and needy! I don't want to feel that way. But what other way should I feel? Good, happy, euphoric? Nope. This is the way I am supposed to feel. It is completely okay to not be happy. Why do we always try to use anything around us to avoid our feelings? Or am I the only one that does this? Any feeling other than happy or good should be eradicated...except that's not true, is it? Those feelings are there for a reason and they are okay.
So, banana nut muffin, be damned, I don't need you to make me feel happy. I'm okay with pissed and sad and frustrated.
Another book, helping me on my journey. Yes, I love to read and I read a lot. I got an Amazon Kindle for Christmas and I read every single day, so I will be talking about books a lot in this blog (books and clothes and movies and, possibly, John Mayer, hell it's my blog, I can say what I want to say!). Anyway, the book is a good one. All about feelings and how we use diets to avoid them and the like. I like it a lot and highly recommend it if you are at all like me.
So, rough weekend. On to the week ahead...
17 comments:
Jeanessa,
My heart goes out to you through all of this. It is hard to watch someone we love suffer.
As for the weight thing----you are a beautiful person inside and out. Take care of you and the weight will take care of itself.
You've got a great big group of people who think the world of you and will be more than happy to listen as you vent.
I've got another book for you to check out---Rethinking Thin--Gina Kolata.
Rethinking Thin by Gina Kolata
Hugs to you, Jeanessa. I'm keeping you, your mother, and your family in my prayers.
Life is tough, Jeanessa, and it comes as a shock when a happy childhood runs smack into death and other distressing events as we grow older. Nevertheless, as you have found, that reality can leave you in a bad mood. By accepting that, you have grown in maturity. But I do hope both you and she can garner every bit of happiness while your mother lives, so that there are no regrets when she dies.
So sorry you are going through this! It is rough watching someone you love fade away. Take care of yourself and keep a good thought!
(((Hugs)))
I know it's probably not going to help you at all after such a rough weekend... but I am so proud of you. I am painfully aware of how difficult it is to "feel" the bad stuff when it's so much easier to just ignore it all with food. Recognizing that you need to feel it is a MAJOR step... one that must be taken in order to heal and grow as a person.
Embracing those bad feelings however painful they may be, is a true sign of "the other side" of trauma.
Much love and peace to you as you embark on this painful, yet rewarding struggle of life
Jeanessa, my heart goes out to you. I know what it is to watch your mom slowing losing ground to cancer before your eyes. Go with your feelings, honey - live each day to the fullest and make the most of what time you have left with her, that's my advice. This is for but a season, remember that. It hurts, yes, but you will get through it. It's a life passage, painful but real. I'll have you both in my prayers. Hugs and support to you, brave lady.
Jeanessa, nice post! I have been struggling with weight my entire life. When I was a little girl (I am going to be 63 this year), my mother made all the cheapest meals she could - these consisted mostly of macaroni, potatoes, and anything else starchy she could find. Meats, chicken, and fish were reserved for special occasions. Sunday was usually a chicken day.
Eventually, I became diabetic. I always struggled with my weight. Diets were always something I went on to lose weight and looked forward to getting OFF of and being able to return to my "normal" eating. Until I was diagnosed diabetic. My entire viewpoint changed. Now I KNEW that my eating plan HAD to be a plan for life. I no longer felt DEPRIVED. Hell, I was going to eat to live. It has now been almost 18 months. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is important to realize early on that if you have an eating problem, chances are that it is linked to insulin resistance and you will never be able to eat like "normal" again. You know what? "Normal" is not normal. That is exactly why obesity has become an epidemic in this country. I can happily tell you though, that after 1-1/2 yrs on this way of eating, my blood glucose went from being over 200 in the a.m. and over 300 in the afternoon, to between 83 to 95 in the a.m. and somewhere between 105 to 115 2 hrs after lunch. Carbs are now my enemy, and when I look at them, I see a crossbones and skull.
Jeanessa, I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time with your moma's health. I still have mine and she's 76, so I guess I'm very lucky.
{{{Jeanessa}}}
Watching a parent die is one of the hardest things in the world to do. Both my mom and dad died a slow death and it was agonizing to watch them disappear before my eyes.
I experienced all the feelings you're going through now...the anger, the hurt, the frustration with family members, etc.
I went on autopilot, trying desperately to keep everything under control, but discovered quickly that was futile. I finally threw up my hands and had myself a big old pity party. I felt so much better after letting out all those pent-up emotions.
So my thoughts are with you, Jeanessa. Take care of yourself.
~ Medusa
{{{HUGS}}} to you Jeanessa!
You are such a strong, beautiful woman. And your new blog ROCKS!
Not every day (or weekend) will be easy... and you are intitled to vent if you feel like it. Just know there are many here, cheering you on.
You are so smart to have figured out your food issues when so many people never do. IMO, that's half the battle.
Take care of yourself, Jeanessa and treasure the time you have with your mom.
Jeanessa, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I lost my gma to cancer at 56 yrs old. I hate cancer. She was a mother to me, and I understand thinking that you'd have her a lot longer. I thought she would see my kids. It is the deepest kind of hurt. I am praying for you and your family. Give the situation over to God. Only He can help this kind of pain.
Just stopping by to send you a hug, Jeanessa. You and your Mom have been so blessed to love each other. Wish we could help.
Jeanessa, I just read your post about your mother and want to say that we are here for you to share your pain with. One cannot live a life without pain, but it does help to be able to express these feelings and to have a compassionate ear.
Jeanessa I'm so sorry for all the trauma you are going through.
Please remember they too are dealing with your Mother's dying young and need to be able to deal with it in their manner.
I have learned from dealing with my Mother's AD that what I thought my sibs should and would do based on past events in our lives with a healthy Mother is not how they deal with it now. I have one sib who was tramatized by the wasting effect of my Grandmother's last days and is going to preseve her memories of my Mother as the active Mother she knew as a chald no matter what so she doesn't help out physically with Mother, makes excuses not to be availible for family events and will be showing up when funeral is being held. Pisses me off, but I know she needs it and since i'm not king I can't force her to help.
if you need some help there are wonderful organization in the community you can use for some time off from caring for her, for some referals for needed equipment ( see if you have a cancer closet branch there they loan out equipment and ask only that you return it when the person using it dies) and even for a supoport group for yourself. Use what you need when you need it and you will not be as frustrated by your sibs lack of support you need.
becoming the "parent" to your parent is tough enough and then to add the knoiwing they are dying grieving factors too is very hard to bear.
Jeanessa, I am very sorry to hear about your Mom. I am sending hugs and prayers to you both.
Binsk
I wanted you to know I am keeping you and your mom in my daily prayers. She is truely blessed to have you take such good care of her now. What a honor for us children to be there when our parents need us most.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy B
Oh Jeanessa I am so sorry that you, your mum and your family are going through this.
I expect this to happen to my mum also, she was smoking almost 100 smokes a day last time I checked!
I used to smoke myself but eventually I managed to give up, but its so hard, I am just lucky that I don't have people nearby that smoke now, I think that was the key for me (that and Garry would kick my butt to the floor if he caught me!) because the temptation never goes away, if only we could do that with food!
I'm so sorry, all the best to you and your mum :(
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