The Journey Continues...

On my new blog....

http://bananaslife.wordpress.com

Death and Taxes

My momma is gone. She's just gone! If you've been there, you know how I feel, but if you haven't, this is truly weird. It's like somebody took their finger and smudged my perception of reality. I knew she was dying, but the difference between having a momma who is dying and a momma who is dead is huge.

My momma suffered from mental illness (paranoid schizophrenia), alcoholism and a tobacco addiction. In the end, the last two were her downfall. Still, with all these vices and all those struggles, she managed to be an excellent mother. Yes, on numerous occasions she worked my last nerve, but nobody ever came close to making me feel as loved and accepted as that woman did.

She raised me, got me hooked on fried chicken, dressed me in pretty clothes, talked to me for hours and hours (in person and over the phone), she took care of me when I was sick, she told me all of her crazy dreams and fantasies, she taught me how to paint my nails, she dragged me kicking and screaming to church, she kept me in check when I thought I was all that, she ignored me when I was being a brat, she spoiled me rotten. I was her baby girl and I, guess, I am going to have to figure out how I can still be her baby girl even though she is not here anymore.

I am okay, but deep down in the very center of me, I am lost without my momma. I guess I always will be.

Confessions of a Bored Housewife

I woke up on my soapbox today and in attempting to calm myself down, I realized that I am still angry at Heidi. Everything that she's done has caused this tiny burning inside of me and every time I turn a corner, someone douses the flame with a little gasoline.

I understand the nature of opinions (as they relate to certain sun-don't-shine areas of the human anatomy) and the irrefutability of free thinking, but it continues to bother me that some people liken us to bored housewives, fat girls with chips on our shoulders, skinny girls who don't want anybody else to lose weight, obsessed maniacs and the like.

It further bothers me that some people feel that they so adamantly must warn us of the potential for failure, or of the logisitics of the California civil justice system. It's like the mother who warns her child, "Well, don't reach for your dreams, honey, because, you know, they probably won't come true."

Half of the fun in the process of dreaming is actually having the dream. I can tell you that 90% of the satisfaction in speaking out against crimes against fat (and formerly) fat girls on the Internet is the actual speaking out (not to mention the quiet and not-so-quiet Rockstars you meet along the way).

Yes, I was wronged. You are free to think of that wrong what you will. I, however, as a party to that wrong, am free to act on that wrong in the ways that my government has deemed appropriate.

It might not bother you very much that a few thousand of us were ripped off because people get ripped off all the time, because you think we were stupid to sign up in the first place, because you admire the intracicies of what amounts to modern thievery, because there are bigger and more noble causes to care about, because people shouldn't get fat in the first place, because you don't like it when people stand up for themselves, because you want to lose weight by any means necessary, or because you just don't care.

I, however, am allowed to be just as bothered by Heidi's scams as you aren't. And I choose to be. No matter the outcome. At the end of the day, I will rest easy knowing that I stood up for myself, for what I believed was right and did everything that I could to rectify a wrong.

So, call me what you will and I'll be that.

There's nothing anybody can say to convince me that loving myself enough to speak out when I'm wronged and loving others enough to speak out when they are wronged is a petty thing to do. Because if people didn't do this, I wouldn't be here typing this message to you and you probably wouldn't be free to surf to the ends of the Internet and read this.

Sincerely,

Jeanessa

aka A Bored Housewife
aka An Angry Duck
aka A Fat Girl with an Attitude
aka A Stupid Chick
aka An Obsessed Maniac

Confessions of a Diet Hopper

Induction just about killed me. When I woke up at 2am and had to go to the ER with my mom because of her pain - we have fibromyalgia to go along with the cancer - I was so weak and nauseous that when my brother offered me half of a *gasp* white bread sandwich, I caved. It was a slippery slope that led to a baked potato, too. And now I'm carbed up again. I really don't think I can put myself through the sickness of induction again. I read every word and tried every trick, but it was a rough ride.

Mind you, not nearly as rough as my 2.5 days on KK, but I digress...

I can't do induction. At least not now.

This, after I put all of my favorite foods in FitDay and was determined to make it (hopefully) some time in the future to a CCL of 55....

I appreciate every drop of support and encouragement and advice that you've given me and I welcome more. I'm still committed to a healthier me. I just have to figure something else out, something easy because there are too many other difficult things in my life right now.

So, "hopping" on...

I feel awful...

Energy - nil
Nausea - x10
Thinking - Fuzzy
Headache - Massive
Stomach - painful

I probably won't post more today :(

On to Day 3...

I am doing very well! I'm sorry I didn't post last night, but I was busy! I took lots of pictures of my food, but haven't loaded them onto the PC, yet. I will do that tonight.

I made it through Day 2 without any big incidents. So far, the biggest challenge has been fighting the occasional sweet craving. I am hoping to circumvent that by eating some of the Fruitless Fruit Leather, which I made last night.

I also made Cream Cheese Muffins, Just Like Stuffed Baked Potatoes and paremsan-crusted fried catfish.

Day 2 Meals:

Breakfast - cream cheese muffin
Snack - a small taco salad (1/2c seasoned ground beef, 1/2 oz of shredded cheddar, 0.25oz tomato, 1 cup of lettuce)
Lunch - 6oz. parmesan-crusted catfish, 1c of green beans in olive oil and garlic
Dinner - 1 and 1/2 Italian sausage links with 1.5 oz of green peppers and 1/2 of a protein-packed oopsie.

24total carbs - 6 fiber = 19 Net Carbs

My fit day is here: http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=jeanessadoesatkins

On to Day 3!

Day 1 Down

...and I'm feeling pretty good.

This was my lunch:

Fried chicken wing pieces and 1 cup of green beans with half a tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil and half a minced garlic glove. I had Frank's Red Hot hot sauce and 2 tablespoons of ranch on the side. Green beans never tasted so good now that I didn't have some sweet treat taking center stage. I do believe that my love of green beans has just begun. All this lovely food for a beautiful 9 carbs. I sweetened my iced tea (decaf) with two packets of stevia and I counted them at one point each (although I'm not sure about that).

For dinner I had:

I made two tacos with 2/3 cups of ground beef seasoned with Linda Sue's taco seasoning and I made the cheddar cheese shells, 2/3 cup of lettuce and a sprinkle of shredded cheddar and a 1/4c of tomato. Can I just say yummo. Good night. I could eat this all the time, everyday and not get tired of it.

I didn't get hungry today. I thought my appetite would be much bigger, but maybe my appetite is very large when I'm eating lots of sugar and white flour? Hmm, time will tell.

Well, I got through a day and, let me tell you, I am proud of myself.

Here is a link to my fitday: http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=jeanessadoesatkins